Evangelical Free Church of Embarass

If you were here back in March for our comedy night, you heard three different comedians. One of them said something that was probably my favorite line of the entire evening. He said: “My wife and I have been married nine years. We have known each other for three.” So true.

I found this Lockhorns comic:

Mr. Lockhorn is standing with his arm around his wife. He says: “I don’t understand you either

Loretta. That’s what we have in common.”

The words male and female are not synonyms. They are not meant to be. A man and a woman are different. There are couples who during their courtship will tell you that they are so much alike.Then once they are married, they find out quickly that they are so different. We are different physically, that’s pretty obvious. Men and women communicate differently, when they do communicate. Men generally think in a straight line. Typically we focus on one thing at a time. Women are wired differently. They have this wonderful ability to operate in a net work. They can be thinking and doing many things at one time; and they know how they all fit together. That’s very difficult for us as men. It doesn’t make one of us better than the other, that’s just how God has made us. It is very difficult for us men to think about more than one thing at a time. Let me give you an example. This is a true story. A pastor was doing a funeral. As the service neared the end, because it was the winter time, they were to have the committal service there in the church. At the appropriate time the pastor stepped down next to the coffin. He began to go through the committal service. As he was doing that and looking out in the crowd, he happened to notice that there in the crowd was an old friend of his he hadn’t seen for years. I don’t know what his name was, let’s call him Fred Johnson. So while he is continuing through his committal talk, he is also thinking in his mind – “I’ve got to make sure, that after the service, I talk to Fred. Maybe we can have coffee together.” He is trying to think about that while he is doing the committal. Finally, he comes to the committal prayer. He asks the people to bow their heads. He says the committal prayer: “Dear Lord, we now commit Fred Johnson’s body to the ground.” He stopped. He was terribly embarrassed. Fred Johnson was sitting out there having a heart attack! The pastor had proven, once again, that it is very difficult for us men to think about two things at the same time. That is how we are wired. We are different. We are different in the whole area of sexuality. We are very much aware of that. We have differences in how we handle stress. Neil Anderson talks about men and their caves. Under stress they will go off by themselves somewhere. He talks about women and their waves. They handle their stress with waves of emotion. It is just different. Men tend to be more task oriented; women relationship oriented. Then we have different temperaments, preferences, habits, backgrounds, and life experiences. We bring all those differences into marriage. We end up living the rest of our life with someone that is different than us. The important thing is that our differences are so often connected to the conflicts that we have between husbands and wives. We are often in conflict over the differences, because we don’t know how to handle difference. We think different is wrong, so we attack the differences. We get frustrated and try to change the other person. But different is not wrong, different is just different. As husbands and wives we need to learn that. We need to get to the place where we understand that different is just different, it is not wrong. We need to accept the differences in our spouses. Just accept the fact that she or he is different from us. Then we need to find the value in that difference. We need to find the value that our spouse brings to our relationship that we can’t bring because we are not like them. Instead of fighting that difference and getting frustrated; we need to find the value in it. What is it that my wife brings to our relationship, because she is different from me, that I couldn’t bring to this relationship? I need to see the value in it. Then I need to honor my spouse because of who she is and how she is. So there you have four steps: 1) I understand the difference. 2) I accept the difference. 3) I take time to find the value in it that it has brought to our relationship. 4) Then I honor that other person for the difference. Now to honor somebody is to value them. When you honor something or someone, you place great value on it. You relate to it as being special, very important, and precious – that’s honoring. We honor by the things we say and how we treat one another. The things I say and the way I treat that person, will make them feel valuable, special, and important. That’s honoring. As husbands and wives we are called biblically to honor each other in marriage. The scripture teaches that there should be mutual honor going on. First of all there should be honor toward our marriage, toward the relationship its self. In Hebrews 13:4, the writer begins the verse this way: “Give honor to marriage, . . .” We have lost some of that in our day and age. Marriage isn’t honored very often. You get out in the public, with different groups, and they start talking about marriage. They aren’t honoring the whole idea of marriage, are they? They are making fun of it. They are making comments that say, “I’ll never get married because . . . .” And they will talk about something that happened in their home, when they were growing up, between their mom and dad as they observed their marriage. Or they read about other peoples’ marriages failing apart. Marriage is special, important, and valuable; give honor to it. Both husband and wife need to be very careful, in many settings, to make sure that they give honor to marriage, especially their’s. When we are out in different settings, we have to be very careful of how we refer to our own marriage; to make sure that we are giving honor to it. Then, of course, we are to be giving mutual honor to each other. Romans 12:10 teaches that. The Apostle Paul says, “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” We are to honor each other; and take delight in it. Philippians 2, Paul says that we are to view one another as more important than ourselves. That’s honor. That’s to be going on in all relationships, for sure in the marriage relationship. Gary Smalley, in his writings and seminars, claims that if a husband and wife will mutually honor each other regularly for three weeks, it will turn their relationship around. That’s a big claim. But he has been teaching on the subject and observing marriages long enough that he probably is pretty accurate. Dr. John Gottman says the absolute key to healthy relationships is honor. Here are two men who seem to know relationships and they are both saying honor is the key.

I want us to look at scriptures that talk about a wife honoring her husband and then some that talk about the husband honoring his wife. First, let’s look at the ones that talk about the women honoring their husbands. We start in Proverbs 12:4. Solomon says, “A worthy wife is her husband’s joy and crown; a shameful wife saps his strength.” Worthy means here “excellent in character”. What he is saying here is that a wife, excellent in character, is a “husband’s joy and crown.” Now what are you doing when you place a crown on someone’s head? You are honoring them. That’s an expression of value, of importance, and of being special. You don’t crown just anyone. It is an honor. Solomon is saying a wife honors her husband when she is a woman of excellent character. Turn over to Proverbs 31:10-12: “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life.” Here it is talking about the “virtuous and capable wife” and it says that her husband is greatly enriched by her. That’s honoring him. She helps him, not hinders. That’s honor. In Ephesians 5 the very last statement is directed to wives. Paul says, “ . . . the wife must respect her husband.” Respect is honor. So, ladies you have a calling from God. That is to honor your husband, to let him know often that he is of value to you, that he is special, and that he is important – even in the differences. Express your appreciation often to your husband. It honors him. Let your husband know that he is adequate in your eyes. Too many husbands feel beaten down. Too many husband feel like failures in their wife’s eyes. Your husband needs to feel adequate in your eyes, so that he can go out there in the world, to work or wherever he is all day long, and people can beat him down, discourage him, and make him feel like a failure. But he knows when he comes home and enters that house, there is one woman who will honor him and let him know that he is adequate in her eyes. If a man has a wife who communicates to him that he is adequate in her eyes, he can handle anything out of the home. Let him know that he is your first commitment, before the children, your friends, and your activities. That’s honoring him. You are called to honor your husband.

Now let’s look at some scriptures that talk about the husband honoring his wife. We are going to Proverbs 31:28: “Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her:” That’s honor. “Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all.” Has your husband said that to you ladies? Men have you ever said that to your wife? “You are the best of them all.” They need to hear that from us. Don’t be afraid to say things that are “mushy.” Like this: “There are a lot of great women in the world, even here on the Iron Range; but you are the best. I picked you.” Your wife needs to hear you say things like that. It honors her, makes her feel important, special, and of value. I Peter 3:7: (Peter addressing husbands) “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives.” There it is “give honor to your wives”. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. If you don’t treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard.” Wow! It is very clear. Husbands honor your wife. Let her know that she is of value to you. Let her know often that she is special and important to you, even in the differences. Often express appreciation to your wife. She needs to hear that. It honors her. Let her know that she is your first commitment through your words and actions, before the children, your job, your recreation, and your other activities. Make sure that she knows that she is first. That honors her. Help her feel secure and safe in their marriage relationship. It is up to us as husbands to help them feel secure; that is very important for us. It is our calling to honor our wives.

So, instead of fighting the differences all the time, instead of getting frustrated about them, instead of trying to change each other; we need to honor each other. I am going to give you an example from my relationship with Jeannine. Some of you know that in March we finished this huge make-over of our bedroom. It took quite awhile, because of the type of carpenter that I am. But finally it was nearing an end just as Jeannine was going to go to Connecticut for a week to be with a friend. Before she left, we were talking about the bedroom project and how I was going to finish it when she was gone. I told her at that time that if I finished the bedroom and got it all set up again, I would continue to sleep in the guest bedroom, as we have been doing for weeks, until she gets home. I wanted our first night in the made-over bedroom to be experienced together. She actually made the comment to me that that made her feel honored. When she was gone, I finished it on a Saturday. She didn’t come home until Tuesday. I stayed in the guest room until Tuesday night. The first time in the new, bedroom we were together. Now since then, Jeannine will bring a guest down to the bedroom and show them what was done there. I will hear what she says and it will be positive about the work that was done. That honors me. First of all, it honors me to know that she would go show somebody. Secondly, to hear her make positive comments about what I had done. That makes me feel special. So, when it came to our bedroom project, there was mutual honor going on.

I just finished a book that is excellent. It is called “I Love Ronie”, the letters of Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan. The entire book is Nancy Reagan sharing with us the many notes and letters that her husband had sent to her or left on the pillow or on the table for her over their 51 years of marriage. I want to read some of things that he wrote to his wife over the years. One of the things he said in a note was something like, “Every day is Christmas for me, because of God giving you as a gift to me.” Here in another note he wrote her in 1971: “Dear Mrs. Reagan, Your loving faithful devotion has been observed these 19 years. There are no words to describe the happiness you have brought to the Governor. (This was when he was governor of California.) It is no secret that he is the most married man in the world and would be totally lost and desolate without you. It seemed to me that you should know this and be aware of how essential you are in this man’s life. By his own admission he is completely in love with you and happier than even a governor deserves. With love and appreciation, your in love Gov. Ron” Then in 1978 he wrote this letter: “To My Wife, Your mother raised a wonderful daughter who became a most wonderful wife. It’s amazing what that four letter word “wife” covers when it is applied to you. It means a companion without whom I’m never quite complete or happy. It means the most desirable women in the world who gets more desirable every day. It means someone who can make me lonely just by leaving the room. I live in a perpetual warm glow because of you. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for being my wife. All my love, Your husband.” As you know Ronald Reagan now has Alzheimer’s. In the book, Nancy refers to Alzheimer’s as a long, long good bye. She also says that she now is left to carry on the relationship alone. She is so thankful she kept all of his notes and letters, because it is now the only expression from him that she has. But she chooses to continue to stay with him and love him. That’s her way of honoring him. Ronald Reagan is one of my heroes. After I read this book he is even more of a hero to me. Because here is a man, a president of the United States, who once stood in West Berlin, and said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” Yet he is the same man who honors his wife day after day for 51 years. I want to be like that. It is my calling. It’s your calling, to honor your husbands and to honor your wives.

When I was a boy, and I guess even still today, whenever we would be invited to someone else’s house for a meal or we would have another family over, toward the end my mom or the hostess would get up and go around the table and collect the plates. Then my mom or the hostess would say those wonderful words of hope that I always love to hear, “keep your fork”. Ah, wonderful words of hope. Why? Because “keep your fork” means desert is coming and to a boy that meant that the best is yet to come. I want to make a promise to you today, men and women. If you will commit to consistently honoring your spouse and go and do it, no matter where your marriage is at today, the best is yet to come. It will get better