Evangelical Free Church of Embarass

In the personal section of the newspaper there was an ad that read like this: “Wanted: Woman to marry – must own an airplane – send a picture of the airplane.” A husband and a wife had a huge argument; and they didn’t speak to each other for three whole days. Finally, on the third day, the husband asked his wife where one of his shirts was. “Oh”, the wife said, “now you’re speaking to me.” He looked confused. “What are you talking about?”, his wife asked. “Didn’t you notice that we haven’t been speaking for three days?” “No”, he said, “I just thought we were getting along.” Sometimes we husbands just don’t get it, do we? In fact, I read about the wife of one of the Promise Keepers staff persons who went to her husband and said “You know, for just one conference you should let women decide the topics that your speakers are going to address.” And her husband said “OK, if you were going to suggest the subjects for one of the conferences, what would they be?” She said “#1 Why a blender isn’t a good anniversary gift. #2 PMS, how to keep your mouth shut. And #3 “I don’t care, whatever you want to do.” Doesn’t really mean “I don’t care, whatever you want to do.”

I have been in the ministry for almost thirty years now. And it is no contest. I would say that the most common disappointment that I have heard from Christian wives through out those thirty years is the lack of spiritual leadership on the part of their husbands. They want it badly.

So, as we begin our series on the family, I thought this would be a good place to start. Let’s start with us guys. We can take it. I want to challenge you men. You are challenged all the time. You are challenged at work. You are challenged on the ball field. You are challenged in many areas of life. I want to challenge you this morning from God’s Word. To do that, we are going to revisit two parts of God’s Word that are very familiar. But in revisiting them, I want them to become fresh and to challenge us. Turn with me to Genesis, chapter 3. Most of us are familiar with this passage. In the first verses of chapter 3 we have the conversation between Satan, through the serpent in the garden, and Eve. In the course of this conversation Satan is tempting Eve, eventually talking her into what we would refer to as “the first sin” – eating of the forbidden fruit. Of course, she does it, Adam does it, and we have the “fall” – sin coming into this world. The question that is appropriate to ask as we read this text would be this: “Where’s Adam?” Where is Eve’s husband in this record? Now usually, our assumptions are that Adam is off somewhere else in the garden doing his work, or whatever he did. That after Eve has been deceived and eats of that fruit; she goes off to find Adam and talks him into eating also. Those seem to be our assumptions. But what if Adam was right there? What if Adam was with Eve when this conversation was taking place, when she was deceived, and when she ate? What if he was there, heard everything, and saw what was happening? But he said nothing and he did nothing. I want to suggest to you that Adam was there, because the scripture tells us he was there. Look at verse 6 of Genesis 3: “The woman was convinced. The fruit looked so fresh and delicious, and it would make her so wise! So she ate some of the fruit. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. Then he ate it, too.” Adam was with her. The Hebrew word that is translated “with her” is imha. It means “with her close”. It refers to a physical presence. Adam was there! What if Adam’s disobedience did not begin with eating the fruit? What if Adam’s disobedience that day began with him not fulfilling his role as Eve’s man, as her protector, and as her leader. He said nothing. He did nothing. But he was there. He let her face this temptation by herself. He was physically present, yet absent. Sadly, that describes many husbands today, physically present; but, as far as our role in being the spiritual leader and the protector of our wives, absent. Now Adam finally does say something. Notice verse 8-12: “Toward evening they heard the LORD God walking about in the garden, so they hid themselves among the trees. The LORD God called to Adam, ‘Where are you?’ Adam replied, ‘I heard you so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.’ ‘Who told you that you were naked?’ the LORD God asked. ‘Have you eaten the fruit I commanded you not to eat?’ ‘Yes,’ Adam admitted, ‘but it was the woman you gave me . . . ’ ” Isn’t that just like a man? When he finally speaks, he blames his wife. Now I have been guilty of this. You gentlemen have too. When someone brings up, or even confronts us about, the role we are supposed to have in our wife’s life as her husband, how do we respond to the comment or the confrontation? We blame our wife. We have some comment about her keeping us from being that kind of husband. We are no different than Adam. We know that what went on there in the garden – not only eating the fruit, but I think Adam not fulfilling his role (because he was there with her) – has had far reaching affects through out history, even to us today. Thanks a lot Adam. Thanks a lot.

Let’s revisit Ephesians 5. It is a very familiar passage, one of the primary scriptural teachings on marriage. We are going to look at the part that addresses the husband. In verse 23 there is a statement of fact. It says, “For a husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of his body, . . .” The husband is the leader in the marriage relationship. Now what is the criteria that is given there for being the leader? There is only one. You have to be a husband. The husband is the leader. So if you are a husband, you fit the criteria. Gentlemen, when you and I said “I do”, we became the leader in a relationship. It is God’s choice not our’s. I tell you what, I’ve been married 30 years. The longer I’m married, the more I wish I had had a choice; because I wouldn’t have picked it. See, you women think that it would be neat to be the leader; and some of you try. It is not neat. Because if you try to be the kind of leader God wants you to be, it’s hard – and there is great responsibility and great accountability. Many of us men would never have chosen it on our own. Not one of us deserves that position. It was God’s choice. He made it before any of us came along. Statement of fact: the husband is the leader in the marriage. There is no other option for us guys. We are accountable before God –His choice. Now He helps us out, because He goes on in this passage to tell us how to function as the leader. What kind of leader does God want us to be in marriage? He says in verse 25, “And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church.” That’s the kind of leader we are to be. That’s our standard for our leadership in our marriage – “Christ-like” love. Now you don’t learn about that kind of leadership out in the world, but that is the kind of leadership that God instructs us as men. It’s a leadership that is all about “Christ-like” love. He goes on to describe three aspects of that leadership, and we need to see this as husbands.

1. Verse 25 says, “And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her.” One way that Christ loves us is by sacrificing for us. We as husbands, in leading our wives, are to have the same love. It is a love that is sacrificing. I am to be willing to sacrifice for my wife and put her needs before mine. That’s God’s kind of leadership. Now a lot of men say, “Well, because I am the leader, my wife should make sacrifices for me.” It is just the opposite in scripture. God says, because you’re the leader, you should make sacrifices for her; because the standard for our leadership in marriage is a sacrificing love – just like Jesus.

2. Paul goes on in verse 26 (He is speaking of Christ’s love for us.): “He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean.” (verse 27) “He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.” See those expressions? – “holy”, “without fault”, “a glorious church”, “without spot or wrinkle”, make her holy and clean – What’s that all about? Paul is reminding us that Jesus is concerned about our spiritual welfare. His love is sanctifying. It involves promoting our growth, helping us spiritually. And we husbands, because we are to lead our wives in a loving way like Christ, are to do it in a sanctifying way. We are to be very interested in our wives spiritual growth. As her leader, we are to do everything we can to promote her spiritual welfare. So the questions become: Is my wife growing spiritually because of being married to me?; or Is my wife being hindered spiritually because of being married to me? If I am the leader God has called me to be, then being married to me is going to be the best thing for her spiritually. It is not going to hinder her spiritually. So, the kind of leadership that God is talking about is loving, it is sacrificing, and it is sanctifying.

3. Notice how Paul goes on in verses 28 & 29: “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it (You might have the word cherishes.), just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church.” The third way that Christ expresses His love to us is by serving us. Remember what He said, “I came not to be served, but to serve.” Jesus cares about us and He is willing to serve us. As husbands we are to lead our wives in that same serving manner.

So it is a fact. We can’t get around it. We have no option in it. The husband is the leader in marriage, and we have the standard right here. It is Jesus and His love; sacrificing, sanctifying, and serving. As men, this is our calling from God.

About a month ago, as I was working on this particular message, I was reading a book by Steve Arterburn on leadership in marriage. I became royally convicted by God. In thirty years of marriage, I think I have done fairly well in being the spiritual leader in our marriage. But, as I was reading that book, God convicted me that there was one area in my spiritual leadership of my wife where I have failed her. It is in the serving, cherishing, caring for, and protecting part. God reminded me of two occasions in the past where over periods of time my wife has been hurt by someone and gone thru quite a bit of emotional distress. I chose, just like Adam, to be physically present, and yet to be absent. I let her go through it alone. I didn’t want to be involved. I let her be hurt all by herself. I chose to let her deal with it. I failed her. I was not her protector. I should have been standing with her. You see that day in the garden, Adam should have been standing with Eve. He should have been helping her stand against the temptation. He should have been warning her, reminding her of what God’s word said, and doing spiritual battle with her against the enemy. Instead he just stood by and let her go through it by herself. God convicted me that, like Adam, I had failed my wife. I had not been the protecting leader that I am supposed to be. So I knew, before I gave any message like this, I had to do something about it. I went to Jeannine, apologized, and asked for forgiveness for failing her. Then wouldn’t you know, a couple weeks later, God allowed one of those situations to come back; and I got to practice what I had decided to be. And God helped me.

Gentlemen, we are called by God to be our wives’ spiritual leader. We need to be her man. Be the one God intended us to be. Lead her in a sacrificing way, in a way that promotes her spiritual welfare, that serves, cares for, and protects her. We need to step up to the plate. You know, we men can step up to the plate in the bottom of the seventh with the bases loaded and all kinds of pressure. Many of us have, and we have succeeded. We can step up to the plate at work when there is a challenge placed before us. When a difficult situation comes up, we will step up to the plate, we will tackle it; and we will be successful. Some of us have stepped up to the plate in our communities when there was a need because of a crisis in the community. When we did it, we were successful. God asks us to just step up to the plate with one woman in the whole world; to function as her spiritual leader in a sacrificing, loving, spiritual growth promoting, serving, caring, and protecting way. You know every wife wants that so badly. Gentlemen we need to step to the plate. It is our calling.

We have some requests ladies as we try to fulfill our calling to be your spiritual leader.

Three of them:

1. Don’t hold us accountable to be your spiritual leader. As your husband, we know we are accountable to God. In my opinion, it does not work for a wife to be her husband’s accountability partner. Especially in this area, because whether he is your spiritual leader or not, affects you personally. You have a conflict of interest. You can’t objectively hold him accountable. Let another man, or a group of men do it. It is not your role.

2. Encourage us. Encourage your husband every little step in the right direction that he takes in being the spiritual leader. Throw a party, figuratively speaking. Encourage him. Too often husbands are beaten down because their wives have a high expectation, which is probably biblical, of the kind of spiritual leader they want their husband to be. But what you do so often, ladies, is you communicate to us that you will accept nothing short of your expectation. So even if we make little steps of progress toward it, they are responded to as though they were failures, because they do not reach the goal. Pretty soon, even if we are making little steps of progress, we will decide that it’s not worth it. So encourage us every time you see a little step of progress and growth in being the spiritual leader. It will go a long way. Thank your husband if he shows a sign of being a spiritual leader.

3. Pray for us. Don’t pray about us. Pray for your husband. Pray that God would help him to become, and grow into, the kind of leader in the marriage God wants him to be. Pray warfare prayers for him, because he is going to be attacked. There are going to be forces fighting against him being God’s kind of husband. Pray for him.

So, ladies, don’t hold us accountable. Let some other men do that. you are too involved. Encourage us. Pray for us.

Men, let’s not be like Adam – present, but absent. Let’s take seriously the calling we have from God to be the loving, sacrificing, sanctifying, growth promoting, serving, protecting, and caring leader we have been called to be.